Baby steps

When you are kid, everyday you experience something new, a new sensation, a new taste, a new sight, a new smell, a new something that excites you or a new something that exhilarates you. Kids dim-witted they are, would immediately forget all about the new experience that they just had and would go chase a ball or do some stupid thing like that. But I vividly remember some of those experiences and I remember how much it excited me. I tell you even Einstein wouldn't have been so thrilled when he split the atom.

I remember once during a pleasant summer evening I was sitting on my mother's lap on our porch, watching people pass by. She gave me a candy and had one herself. She took the plastic candy wrapper from me and started working on something. I was intently watching her make alternating folds on a candy wrapper, and then twisting it more towards one end. She then made the same alternate folds on another wrapper, tied it around the first wrapper where it's twisted and finally released the folds so they create frills. Voila you have a girl doll wearing a skirt and it was so colorful. I say, seeing a doll made right there out of nothing but two candy wrappers was totally wicked.

One of my cousins had apparently discovered the sensations a peppermint can cause and was all too eager to show it to me. He gave me a peppermint and asked me to have it. I liked the taste of mint and it left a sort of cool feeling in my mouth. All this is was very new to me. He then gave me a glass of water and asked me to drink it. I had a sip and felt as if some iceberg just melted in my mouth and was speeding towards my throat. The cold cold water rushed through my throat and left me all shook up. It was just wonderful and I just kept drinking water till I thought my stomach was going to burst open.

I was playing with an uncle of mine and he wanted to know if I wanted him to draw something for me. Being a stupid kid that I am, I have always thought drawing a ship would be very hard. I mean it's after all a complex piece of machinery, with several decks, tall chimneys, and huge anchors not to mention its enormous size. Ha let me see him draw all that on this small piece of paper? So I asked him to draw me a ship. Once he was done, I couldn't believe that drawing a ship could be this easy. To top it all, he told me he can make me one with nothing but a paper. I went mad with excitement.

Compliments

The basis for this post is one of Seinfeld's stand-up gags. The argument is that when someone complements the clothes that you wear, they are faithfully complementing that particular article of clothing and absolutely nothing else. So when I say, 'Hey that's a nice shirt you are wearing', ok or Baliga says 'oh really. Thank you' and takes pride in them assuming the complement was showered on them rather than the shirt itself. (ok and Baliga no offence :P)

I tend to disagree with this hypothesis. It may be so that the shirt in question is absolutely fabulous but it also has to suit the person who is wearing that shirt, for that matter it's true for most pieces of clothing. (unquestionably so for lingerie :D)

So how does this particular observation fit into my life? I recently got a brand new Altima coupe and have been receiving complements for it from friends, to office folks, to complete strangers in parking lots.

Even though it's all nice and sweet, it just doesn't make me all happy and proud. Unlike the clothing argument, my looks are totally immaterial to the fact that I am driving a super sexy car. I have noticed strangers ogling at my car for five straight minutes, look embarrassed when I walk up to the car, complement my car and leave instantly. This makes it all the more worse more so when done by a gorgeous damsel as her untimely disappearance upon my arrival paints a false picture that it's me who makes the car look awful. Sigh!

Office Quips

1. When I joined work, we were a fairly small start up. In our company we have a tradition of the new hires being taken out for lunch by the CEO in order to acquaint her with them. Usually the new hires receive a mail from the CEO inviting them for a casual lunch. A new hire, one Mr. V reads this mail for a lunch invitation by our CEO and is extremely shocked.

Mr. V replies:

Dear Ms.CEO,

I appreciate your interest in getting to know me well but you see I am a married man with two children. I cannot do this to my family. I would be grateful if we could drop this idea and not take this any further.

Sincerely,
Mr. V

CEO replies:

Dear Mr. V,

It's perfectly ok. I too am married with two children ;)

Sincerely,
Ms. CEO

2. During an office lunch party:

New hire: Hi, I am Mr. A

Mr. T: Hi, I am Mr. T

New hire: So how long have you been working here?

Mr. T: I have been working here for the last 4 years.

New hire: Wow that's a long time to work for a start up.

Mr. T: Yes, unfortunately I am the founder so I have to.

New hire: #@*&#

Warning: Item 3 is strictly PG-17

3. Our company does something called search keyword optimization that is we optimize the revenue generated for keyword when its bid for in search engines. Recently we had an adult content oriented client. I cannot name who the client is since I will be breaching the confidentiality agreements of our company but I can tell you that they are quite famous. I enjoy bragging to my friends that I indirectly work for this company.

Conversation about the performance of this client as you can understand can lead to very awkward situations. Here are some of those priceless moments. I tell you it takes extreme control to keep a straight face and not laugh when someone says

a. Big b00b$ isn't performing well.
b. P0rn screwed us.
c. Let's take le$bi@n g@ngb@ng as our case study.

Beware!

Trespassers will be shot.
Survivors will be shot again.

PS: Happened to see this warning sign outside someone's property.

Atrocious teachers’ talk

Some of the unforgettable memories that I have in my life are those of high school, made even more memorable by a few of my lovely teachers. The first thing that comes to my mind when I think about them is the way they talk in the class, with their comical pronunciation, made up grammar, bizarre rhymes all of which discordantly come together to make up what I call the atrocious teachers' talk. I was never able to completely master this talk as a result of which many a times, I have found myself absolutely dazed and confused.

Listed below are few of those hilarious moments, few of which happened to me, a few to my friends.

1. We had an amazing French teacher who was from Karaikal, formerly a French colony. His teachers' talk was so atrocious that we decided it's in our best interest if he speaks French all the time.

"French teacher: See outside. Sun very very hawt. If you talk I kneel down"

2. The geography teacher of my friend feels it's such a herculean task to remember the names of everyone in the class, so he remembers only a few. Wonder how he calls out others in the class?

"Geography teacher: Ramarathnam bai, back bench bai, diagonally across bai, stand up da.
Wrong boy: Me saar.
Geography teacher: No you worthless donkey, the other diagonal bai. "

3. Announcement made by our class teacher to bring our parents to the PTA meeting.

"Class teacher: Bring all your mummies and daddies to the PTA meeting tomorrow. "

4. My science teacher takes pride in talking in rhymes. Most of them were amusing but I could only recollect this one.

"Science teacher (spoken as if he was holding his breath and in a rhyming tone):
If you don't bring your notes on Monday,
I will break your mandai. "

5. This happened to my friend SR when his physics teacher was quizzing the class.

"Physics teacher: SR, what is the SI unit of pressure?
SR: Err… Pascal.
Physics teacher (in a barking voice): SR! Why did you call me rascal? "

6. Most students do not prefer to come to school on a sports day unless they are participating in some event. Invariably this makes our PT teacher mad. He barges into every class and the first thing he howls is

"PT teacher: All of you who are absent stand up."

7. "Math teacher (barking voice): Stannnd up mann. Yyyy are u laughing. Wooopen urr mouth and give me an answer u bloody beggar. Waaaat are u having in ur mouth. Wooopen ur damn mouth u bloody beggar.
Class mate (tries to open his mouth): Saaa…
Math teacher (barking voice): Shhut ur mouth u bloody beggar! Did I ask you to woopen ur mouth. Wooopen ur mouth wen I ask u toooo. Tell me you bloody beggar, yyyy arr u laughing in the class… (Goes on and on…)"

This goes on for a few rounds, at the end of which who ever it is at the receiving end would have undergone some serious psychological damage.

Condescending job requirement

Saw this in the career section for a network software engineer position.

Proficient in keyboarding and mousing.

Funny street names

These are a couple of extremely funny and awfully insane street names that I have come across. Check them out!

Psycho Path:
Names can’t get crazier than this.



Bing, Bong and Ping Pong:
These ones could easily pass as a nursery rhyme.







Zzyzx Road:
They just couldn’t resist the temptation and simply name it "Zei-zix" road.



This aint it and Unexpected Road:
The roads often taken...





Intersection of Clinton and Fidelity:
Who is this fidelity? I only knew about Monica.



Forget me not:
Or so she said...



Divorce Court:
Fact: Six of the seven families living in this street are divorced.

Credits: I was partly inspired by a similar post about bumper stickers by a friend of mine. I have also embedded maps from Wikimapia and Google.

PS: If the maps don't appear to load, try clicking here. Works best with Firefox 2.0. It works fine with IE6 though the maps take time to load. I haven't tested it on IE7.